To be honest, I really don't even know why I'm writing this blog. I mean, I haven't even thought about writing a blogpost since 2011. Maybe it's because it's 1AM and I'm not the least bit tired (thanks to that 1.5 hour nap I took today). Maybe it's because I have a lot going through my mind and I just need an outlet (because, let's be honest, college is an extremely stressful time and most days, I just need somewhere to unwind all of my thoughts. Maybe it's because I read a blog written by a Sister in Christ and was so inspired that I thought I it would be a good idea for me to write one, as well. Maybe it's a combination of all of those reasons. Or, maybe all of those reasons were God telling me that He has something planned for me that I don't yet realize, but opening up my thoughts to Him and to the Blog-o-sphere will help me to realize what it is that He needs me to get into my tiny little brain.
Regardless of the reason I'm here, here I am, typing every thought that flows through my mind at this ungodly (or possibly VERY Godly) hour and listening to a mix of Christian songs on Pandora.
Ever since I started college, I have felt stressed, a little depressed, but most importantly ALONE. This is not to say that I AM alone. On the contrary, I have many great friends that I have met while in college (including an amazing group of Sisters in Christ through Kappa Phi). I have two aunts and their families who live within 20 minutes of me and who have so graciously opened their homes to me whenever I need them. I have a loving family and an awesome church congregation who are only an hour and a half away, and whom I get to see (usually) on a bi-weekly basis. I am surrounded by all of this love and encouragement from everybody who is important in my life, yet I still feel alone.
Everyday, I see people who are LOVING college life and would live it forever if they could, and here I am counting down the days until I can get out of here.
I think to myself, "Maybe I'm not as involved as I should be," so I contact other campus organizations and get so involved in school and extracurriculars that I have absolutely no time to think about how alone and empty I'm feeling.
I think, "Maybe I'm not liking my major," so I switch majors and, while that decision helped and I don't regret it at all, I still feel like something is wrong.
I think and stress so much about what I'm doing wrong that it's tearing me up inside. What could I possibly be doing wrong? What do these other people know about happiness that's completely lost on me? I'm going to school like my family wants me to. I'm focusing everything I have on my school work like my university wants me to. I'm attending all kinds of different events on campus like my friends want me to. I'm in the major that I want to be in. I'm doing everything right, aren't I?
That's where God steps in. Actually, God never really just "steps" in, does He? I've only ever known God to come stomping in to my life with such force that I lose control of everything that I have spent so much of my time carefully putting into place. The sheer power of His plan shakes up my whole world. I lose things that I have been dearly holding on to for so long. I lose friends. I lose things. I lose myself.
At first, I get so MAD at God. I know that being mad at God is just ridiculous. I mean, He created me and He loves me. Everything He does is in my best interest. But oh, how easy it is to forget this when you feel like you have lost so much. How could He put all of these things in my life just to let me become attached to them and then rip them away from me? How could He make me so miserable? How DARE He.
I get angry to the point that I am sitting in my dorm room bawling my eyes out and screaming at God for hours on end. I cry so much that my crying turns into laughter. I'm laughing because I don't have any more tears to cry. I'm laughing because I realize that I'm probably scaring the people who live in my building. I'm laughing because I'm pretty sure that God is also laughing. I'm pretty sure that God has been laughing with me for a long time-I just didn't realize that I was also supposed to be laughing.
I believe that God is always laughing-or at least smiling. He knows everything about EVERYTHING, yet here I am challenging Him every single day because I am trusting in humans to tell me what is the right thing to do with my life. I believe that God has laughed every time I've ignored Him because my friends want me to do more things with them, because I'm attending "real" college because society says it's what I need to do, because I'm focusing everything I have on my school work like my college tells me to, because I'm following my own wishes instead of listening to what He says that I need to do.
I don't believe God ever "asks" us to do anything and I DEFINITELY don't believe that He "needs" us to do anything. God is beyond powerful enough to do everything Himself. I mean, EVERYTHING. But, instead of doing everything Himself, He gives us a chance to help Him out. He gives us a chance to use our lives to honor Him. God doesn't need us, but we NEED Him. Without this opportunity to honor Him, we would all be completely lost in this world. I mean, I'm talking more lost than you can even imagine ever feeling. Lost with no sense of hope. what. so. ever.
I realize that the only time I have ever felt alone was when I had given up on God. He has NEVER given up on me, but once I came to college, I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Instead of turning to God, I gave up on Him. THAT'S where I have gone wrong.
This whole time, God has been yelling for me. He has been yelling for my attention. He has been desperately trying to get me to pay attention to what He wants me to do. He has been throwing the Bible in my face (not literally, thank goodness!). He has been laughing along with me when I have made mistakes. He has been lovingly telling me "I told you so!" every single day, and I can't help but laugh right along with Him. He and I both understand that I am human and humans make mistakes, but why is it so hard for me to understand that He is God and He doesn't ever make mistakes?
Many people know that I have felt an unbelievably strong calling to the missions field in Mexico. I have enlisted more than 100 prayer warriors, friends, and family members to be praying that I would have clarity on what He wants me to do, but I have not been praying for myself like I should be-without ceasing. My life is currently EXTREMELY confusing, and it's because I have been trying to use my human resources to figure it out, while totally ignoring the one resource who knows everything. Yes, finishing school is important. It's important to me, it's important to my family, and I believe it's important to God, but I don't believe finishing here (in the US) is what He has in mind (although I am still praying fervently about that, as well). He wants me to be equipped for this huge step in my life that He is presenting to me. He wants me to LOVE Him so much that I have enough overflowing love to help others do the same. He wants me to get it through my thick skull that HE is more important than anything else in the whole entire world. As long as I am following His plan for me, I will NEVER be alone and I will NEVER be in need, no matter where in His world I end up.
Regardless of the reason I'm here, here I am, typing every thought that flows through my mind at this ungodly (or possibly VERY Godly) hour and listening to a mix of Christian songs on Pandora.
Ever since I started college, I have felt stressed, a little depressed, but most importantly ALONE. This is not to say that I AM alone. On the contrary, I have many great friends that I have met while in college (including an amazing group of Sisters in Christ through Kappa Phi). I have two aunts and their families who live within 20 minutes of me and who have so graciously opened their homes to me whenever I need them. I have a loving family and an awesome church congregation who are only an hour and a half away, and whom I get to see (usually) on a bi-weekly basis. I am surrounded by all of this love and encouragement from everybody who is important in my life, yet I still feel alone.
Everyday, I see people who are LOVING college life and would live it forever if they could, and here I am counting down the days until I can get out of here.
I think to myself, "Maybe I'm not as involved as I should be," so I contact other campus organizations and get so involved in school and extracurriculars that I have absolutely no time to think about how alone and empty I'm feeling.
I think, "Maybe I'm not liking my major," so I switch majors and, while that decision helped and I don't regret it at all, I still feel like something is wrong.
I think and stress so much about what I'm doing wrong that it's tearing me up inside. What could I possibly be doing wrong? What do these other people know about happiness that's completely lost on me? I'm going to school like my family wants me to. I'm focusing everything I have on my school work like my university wants me to. I'm attending all kinds of different events on campus like my friends want me to. I'm in the major that I want to be in. I'm doing everything right, aren't I?
That's where God steps in. Actually, God never really just "steps" in, does He? I've only ever known God to come stomping in to my life with such force that I lose control of everything that I have spent so much of my time carefully putting into place. The sheer power of His plan shakes up my whole world. I lose things that I have been dearly holding on to for so long. I lose friends. I lose things. I lose myself.
At first, I get so MAD at God. I know that being mad at God is just ridiculous. I mean, He created me and He loves me. Everything He does is in my best interest. But oh, how easy it is to forget this when you feel like you have lost so much. How could He put all of these things in my life just to let me become attached to them and then rip them away from me? How could He make me so miserable? How DARE He.
I get angry to the point that I am sitting in my dorm room bawling my eyes out and screaming at God for hours on end. I cry so much that my crying turns into laughter. I'm laughing because I don't have any more tears to cry. I'm laughing because I realize that I'm probably scaring the people who live in my building. I'm laughing because I'm pretty sure that God is also laughing. I'm pretty sure that God has been laughing with me for a long time-I just didn't realize that I was also supposed to be laughing.
I believe that God is always laughing-or at least smiling. He knows everything about EVERYTHING, yet here I am challenging Him every single day because I am trusting in humans to tell me what is the right thing to do with my life. I believe that God has laughed every time I've ignored Him because my friends want me to do more things with them, because I'm attending "real" college because society says it's what I need to do, because I'm focusing everything I have on my school work like my college tells me to, because I'm following my own wishes instead of listening to what He says that I need to do.
I don't believe God ever "asks" us to do anything and I DEFINITELY don't believe that He "needs" us to do anything. God is beyond powerful enough to do everything Himself. I mean, EVERYTHING. But, instead of doing everything Himself, He gives us a chance to help Him out. He gives us a chance to use our lives to honor Him. God doesn't need us, but we NEED Him. Without this opportunity to honor Him, we would all be completely lost in this world. I mean, I'm talking more lost than you can even imagine ever feeling. Lost with no sense of hope. what. so. ever.
I realize that the only time I have ever felt alone was when I had given up on God. He has NEVER given up on me, but once I came to college, I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Instead of turning to God, I gave up on Him. THAT'S where I have gone wrong.
This whole time, God has been yelling for me. He has been yelling for my attention. He has been desperately trying to get me to pay attention to what He wants me to do. He has been throwing the Bible in my face (not literally, thank goodness!). He has been laughing along with me when I have made mistakes. He has been lovingly telling me "I told you so!" every single day, and I can't help but laugh right along with Him. He and I both understand that I am human and humans make mistakes, but why is it so hard for me to understand that He is God and He doesn't ever make mistakes?
Many people know that I have felt an unbelievably strong calling to the missions field in Mexico. I have enlisted more than 100 prayer warriors, friends, and family members to be praying that I would have clarity on what He wants me to do, but I have not been praying for myself like I should be-without ceasing. My life is currently EXTREMELY confusing, and it's because I have been trying to use my human resources to figure it out, while totally ignoring the one resource who knows everything. Yes, finishing school is important. It's important to me, it's important to my family, and I believe it's important to God, but I don't believe finishing here (in the US) is what He has in mind (although I am still praying fervently about that, as well). He wants me to be equipped for this huge step in my life that He is presenting to me. He wants me to LOVE Him so much that I have enough overflowing love to help others do the same. He wants me to get it through my thick skull that HE is more important than anything else in the whole entire world. As long as I am following His plan for me, I will NEVER be alone and I will NEVER be in need, no matter where in His world I end up.
